“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him.'” -Lamentations 3:22-24
Both of my girls started school this week. I was more worried about my oldest than my youngest, if I’m being honest. My youngest is a people person and though both of my girls struggle with anxiety, little one is not easily overstimulated (her anxiety has different triggers). So I wasn’t worried about her going to preschool… and though she didn’t want to talk about it afterwards (because someone knocked over her block tower – the horror!), I know she had a great day and is excited to go back.
My oldest, on the other hand, is much more introverted, sensitive, very easily overstimulated, anxious, struuuuuggles with transitions and new things… *I* was very anxious for her first day. HOWEVER… God came through in a way that I haven’t felt his presence in a very long time. So much so that my sweet, sensitive, eldest girl was actually excited to start school. There were exactly ZERO tears when we dropped her off, she was all smiles, super excited, we got an email about halfway through the day from one of her teachers saying she was having a blast! (And she included a picture – modern technology is amazing.)
All of this had me finally losing it at 9:30 last night. Like full on bawling into a pillow losing it. My girls had GREAT first days! Whyyyyy was I crying?! Emotions are weird.
I’m a very emotionally-wired person. I’m an ESFJ and that SF runs deeeeep, y’all! It’s simultaneously one of my greatest assets, in the form of empathy, and one of my greatest weaknesses, in the form of anxiety. I was holding it together all day yesterday as my eldest was at school and my youngest was home with me. I kept busy from 9-3:30 as best as I could so that I wouldn’t worry about anything. Even in the after-school haze when I thought my sweet girl would be on overload, she was doing alright! But once both kids were in bed and I wrapped up my chores for the day and sat down to take a deep breath… something stupid set me off and I just cried. And cried. And cried.
Normally when I’m set off by something stupid that is completely unrelated to why I’m actually crying, I’m really good at playing the blame game. I blame that stupid instance and milk it. I get angry and bitter and totally blame shift like it’s my freaking job. I’m not good at stopping to self-analyze and realize that I’m just spent and a good cry is therapeutic in the moment… that’s all. But last night? I mercifully was able to recognize that and I just let it happen. I stopped thinking and analyzing and trying to explain away my feelings about said stupid situation… and just cried.
And you know what? I felt better afterwards. And everyone slept amazingly last night. And as I sit here finishing my coffee and telling this story, I’m overwhelmed with gratefulness and awe at my Lord’s fulfillment of his promise – yet again – to be merciful with me.
I love the verse I quote above, from Lamentations. I’ve been using the hashtag #newmercies on my facebook posts about my girls’ firsts this week, because it’s really all I can think of as these events unfold and sums up how I’m feeling and how God is providing so very well. Truly I can hope in him, he has gone before and goes with me, and my family, he is providing for EVERY. SINGLE. NEED. small and great.
I’m going into the weekend resting in thankfulness. Putting both girls into school this year was a decision we did not take lightly, and I’ll share about that another time, but suffice it to say… so far I am seeing 100% evidence that this was the best decision for our family right now. And I couldn’t be happier. ❤