If you know anything about Myers-Briggs Personality schtuff… you’ll know that when I say I’m an ESFJ, that means I’m a nurturer. Or a caregiver. But suffice it to say, I’m not a dreamer. I’m a rule-follower, a people-pleaser, an inside-the-box-thinker, a planner, an organizer, an optimist, a kind, thoughtful, caring, person. But “dreaming” isn’t really in my vocabulary, at least not in the sense of being a trailblazer or world changer or even just doing something that *I* enjoy for *myself* alone.
I came into this world dreaming of life being perfectly neat and orderly, completely within my control, and always happy. I’ve long since realized that is mostly unrealistic and unhealthy. (It did take me a good long while to figure that out, however.) Now I’m in this place of really and truly learning to let go, be uncomfortable, and be open to… whatever?! I’m giving myself permission to want things, to have ideas that are bigger than myself, to desire to make a significant impact on the world before I leave it, to live as the freed child of God that I am made to be.
Here’s the catch though: dreaming is simultaneously exhilarating and freaking terrifying, y’all.
Dreaming means there are no limits – I can dream ANYTHING – but that also means no control, because it hasn’t happened yet. What a whacked out dichotomy to present to an orderly, inside-the-box, ESFJ such as myself! So… how do I proceed? For once, I simply don’t have an answer… and I can honestly say I am about 80% ok with that. (Hey, I said honestly, right?)
In all seriousness, in this period of unknown, sensible-and-senseless dreaming, I’m giving myself time. If I could hone in on one lesson I am consistently being presented with this year, it’s this: it is ok to stop and breathe. Not everything has to be done yesterday. In fact, some things *should* take a little more time. Time isn’t bad. Time is healthy. I can use time to let my imagination run a little wild; to journal ideas and desires and try to make sense of them a little better; to really figure out what I am good at and capable of; to just be.
I don’t really know where this is going to take me, but I am praying over every thought, every journal entry, every idea, because this time has been given to me as a gift and I don’t want to waste it.
For the first time in a LONG time… I feel more like ME again. Not only am I giving myself permission to dream, but I am giving myself permission to BE myself, with no judgement *from* myself. And it’s nice to be back. ❤